Jennifer Fulwiler at the National Catholic Register pleads with couples: Please Don't Read This Poem at Your Wedding. She is referring to a poem by Khalil Gibran which, as she rightly says, articulates our modern culture's understanding of marriage in which the individual is more important than the family unit, and marriage is seen as a path to self-fulfilment for two individuals. I would only add that artificial contraception brings this understanding of marriage into the bedroom.
Jennifer's post reminded me of my younger sister's remark in the course of an excellent talk on marriage that I heard her give some years ago: "One flesh, one cheque book."
I count myself fortunate not to have come across Khalil Gibran's poem at a wedding, but I have heard (Anglican) Canon Henry Scott-Holland's reflection on death at some funerals. Having been in parish ministry for 26 years, I have conducted hundreds of funerals, and am no stranger to bereavement myself, having mourned my brother who died in his early twenties, and both of my parents. On the basis of that experience, I find the late Canon's words actually quite irritating. Here is the text:
Death is nothing at all. It does not count. I have only slipped away into the next room. Nothing has happened. Everything remains exactly as it was. I am I, and you are you, and the old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged. Whatever we were to each other, that we are still. Call me by the old familiar name. Speak of me in the easy way which you always used. Put no difference into your tone. Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow. Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes that we enjoyed together. Play, smile, think of me, pray for me. Let my name be ever the household word that it always was. Let it be spoken without an effort, without the ghost of a shadow upon it. Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was. There is absolute and unbroken continuity. What is this death but a negligible accident? Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? I am but waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just round the corner. All is well. Nothing is hurt; nothing is lost. One brief moment and all will be as it was before. How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!Death is not "nothing", it is a big thing and can be devastating. Something has happened and it can seem that everything has changed. Our old life is not untouched, it has been blown apart. Yes, we should keep our happy memories and cherish them but we do not need to "force" solemnity and sorrow - they come quite naturally. Life is not the same any more and there is not an unbroken continuity - your mother, husband, brother, child is dead and it hurts. It is most definitely not a negligible accident, and grief and mourning do not mean that our loved ones are out of mind.
As Catholics we have the best possible comfort in our grief. At every Mass we pray for all the faithful departed and we should keep our own family and friends in the memento (or its equivalent in the other Eucharistic Prayers.) At Mass, we are separated from our loved ones only by the veil of signs and symbols: the whole Church is gathered together, including all of the Holy Souls in purgatory. We are not helpless because our prayers actually help our loved ones who have died.
So many people today have an extra "guilt trip" shoved on their shoulders because they are told to think that it is somehow not right to mourn. The popular transformation of the funeral into "A celebration of the life of ..." distracts people from the opportunity to do the one thing that really helps those who have died: to pray for them.
22 comments:
I would go further, dear Father. Canon Scott-Holland clearly does not have a real grasp of, nay, a belief in, our bodily resurrection, nor of our eternal souls. His posit is wholly anthropocentric, he thinks only of us - himself and the mourner.
Death is indeed not "nothing" for the departed soul, it is a moment of extreme joy, or at least the final absolute certainly of it's coming, or, conversely, of the certainly of eternal darkness (which God forbid for us all). As we do not know which of these awaits the soul, for us is the need for fervent prayers.
Neither of these facts constitute "nothing".
I am afraid, but it must be said, Canon Scott-Holland was NOT a Christian, in any meaningful sense of that word.
Not quite as vile as the other favourite at funerals:
Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush.
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.
Anyway, any chance of you fisking 'Footprints' and 'Desiderata' in future installments? :)
Ah now! Footprints may be a bit kitsch but is sound enough and can help people in the virtues of faith, hope and charity. I would not "diss" it.
Desiderata on the other hand ...
"I have only slipped away into the next room."
There is something profoundly dishonest about this!
Reminds me of the man who faked his death in order commit an insurance fraud with his wife.
I think you're a little unfair to Scott-Holland given his full context. King of Terrors. He's had one passage ripped out and read a million times, when the full sermon is more balanced and recognises the awfulness of death.
Special thanks for this post.
My father died 11 years ago today and I still feel his absence.
Sadly, I wasn't with him at the (unexpected) end, being at Mass at the Brompton Oratory.
I can remember quite clearly a sudden stabbing sensation around my heart and, inexplicably, looking at the church clock. I learned later that it was the time he passed away.
I always try to find an evening Mass for the Assumption so that I can receive at about the time he died and offer it up for his soul, God rest him.
Dear Archdruid - yes, fair enough, the dear Canon has been rather lumbered with this passage quoted without its context. I read an article on this but it was unconvincing. It is helpful to have the whole text, so thank you for that.
". . . the opportunity to do the one thing that really helps those who have died: to pray for them."
You have summed it all up, Father. I couldn't agree with you more.
The Crucifix shows the horror that is death, the rending of the human person. It is not ''natural'' at all for man, a substantial unity to be torn this way. This is what is frightful and obscure in bodily death. Christ certainly did not go to His Death in serene bliss but after having sweated blood.
Spot on as ever, Father, If I were allowed to read only one spiritual blog it would be yours; always, balanced, always loyal to the Church and always charitable. Thank you
Patricius - LOL!
Are you pro-life? Would you like the opportunity to help stop abortions taking place in London? Could you give up a few hours this Saturday to help spread awareness in East London?
SPUC OUTREACH IN STRATFORD
Newham Borough in East London has the highest abortion rate in the U.K. (39.9 per 1000 women) and has the sixth highest number in Europe, with 2,341 abortions taking place every year. BPAS have recently opened a new abortion centre in the area, and so the Society for the Protection of Unborn Children will be doing a pro-life outreach there on Saturday 20th August. We aim to inform the local public about the positive pro-life services available, raise awareness about exactly what is happening in the area, and campaign against the new opening. Join SPUC this Saturday as help is needed to man the stall, distribute pro-life literature and engage with the public.
Meet outside Stratford Tube Station at 10.30am. We will finish no later than 2pm. Other details are on our facebook event: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=147099005375311&view=wall¬if_t=event_wall
Hope to see you there!
Any queries please contact: 0207 820 3140
Daniel Blackman – danielblackman@spuc.org.uk
Anna Gomes – anastasiagomes@spuc.org.uk
Frances Roxburgh – francesroxburgh@spuc.org.uk
Daniel Loughnane – danielloughnane@spuc.org.uk
Paul Smeaton – paulsmeaton@spuc.org.uk
[Please could you post this on your blog so we can get the word out to as many as possible. Thank you!]
I like "Footprints"!
...though I do get irritated when people assume my precious feet badge is actually a symbol of the Footprints story...
This is the Harry Potter view of death. Now more popular than ever. I think it's implicitly anti-resurrection.
I had a priest who told a story once about when his father died. He was approached by a family friend of an evangelical mindset who asked him if he "knew where his father was." He responded, quite simply, "Yes, he's right there in the ground."
Of course, this is not entirely true, as the body is not all there is to a human being, and the soul continues to exist. It does emphasize, however, how unnatural the separation of the soul from the body is, and that it is only because of God's grace that this is able to happen at all.
C.S. Lewis said that we're not our bodies. We are our souls; we have bodies. This is mistaken. We are humans, composite beings composed of two principles intimately united to and dependent on one another: a body and a soul.
When we die, that is us in the ground. Of course, God willing, we will also be in Heaven, until the resurrection of our body at the end of time, and the restoration of all things.
http://www.popsophia.blogspot.com
On American TV there is a program called “Ghost Whisperer” where the main character has the ability to see the spirits of the dead - but not of any dead, just the ones who have not ‘passed over’ or have not ‘let go’ of this life. Each episode recounts the reason for the delay and in the end the heroine succeeds in helping them to ‘pass over into the light’.
Like other TV shows about angels, it is the Hollywood version of life, death and the afterlife. There are always happy endings and no one ever ‘passes over’ into darkness or - God forbid – Hell (that is never mentioned…). So we can all go to bed happy. Everything is right with the world and we’ll all be saved.
Not unlike the attitude at many funerals these days where they have become celebrations of the life of the deceased, not entreaties for the repose of their souls or reduction of their stay in Purgatory. “Joe is in a better place…” we’re told. Well Joe is certainly in a different place, but whether he now thinks it is ‘better’ or not, we don’t know. It could be worse!
I blame much of it on the post-Vat II “Mass of the Resurrection” in place of the Requiem Mass - the white vestments instead of the black. We seem to be missing a step. The resurrection, while certain, won’t happen just yet. The deceased may have a way to go first. Death is not an accident waiting to happen. It is a certainty, which will happen – to all of us. Whether sudden or expected, it hurts and we grieve. Through Faith we know it is not just an end, but a beginning – or in Churchill’s words in another context: “the end of the beginning.”
While this life is over for the deceased, it is not over for us – neither our life nor their memory. And that memory is best served, not by the flowers, the memorials or the elaborate gravestones, but by prayers for the repose of their souls – always, ‘til death do us part.
While death is surely not "nothing" - there has to be a way to express the very Catholic belief that our beloved dead all always present through the Communion of Saints. My fiance died 2 years ago, and while there is certainly a sense of separation, I also have a new sense of his continual presence - close as the memories I have of him - that these poems, however sappy, express imperfectly. If my beloved is now with God, and God is with me, is my dear one not just as close, somehow? Just saying.. that from the standpoint of someone who is grieving this makes some sense. Maybe someone just needs to write a better poem!
What could be more bizarre than a soul separating from a body?
In the post-modern, American world, we just don't know how to deal with death. Death is such an enormous, inevitable thing. There is no "right way" to mourn. There are as many ways to morn as there are people who mourn. Some people might be helped by the quote from Canon Scott-Holland, but most people would not be helped. A minister or priest should not be giving advice to the mourners on how to mourn or how to see their loss. They should be supporting the mourners in whatever emotional/psychological state they are in.
kkollwitz - yes, it is a bizarre (or irrational) thing. This is because it is a consequence of original sin, and evil is the privation of good - including the privation of reason.
I always remind my 6th grade Catechism kids how abnormal death is; and like many things we regard as "normal", such as tornadoes and disease, death is yet another consequence of sin.
Give the guy a break, Father. He was still living when he wrote it. :-D
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